TONIGHT, I realized something. When I left DLSU a year ago, my hope was drained: I was gripping on the heartbreak which shifted into a paltry determination and decision that I have to succeed someday. With the sudden turn of events: I quit my job without even looking for another one, I almost quit grad school, I became so fickle with decisions, impulsive and intoxicated with the promises of my aggressive ideas… I’ve lost my way. I met people: special few who eventually vanished; some of them remained; while most just stayed in the background. All of them to whom I owe the gradual change in my life, whether it be to the good times or even the bad; friends who may have lifted me up, some may have served as anchors that drag me down. It’s fine. Whichever you consider yourself a part of the crowd, I thank you. Thank you for being part of the good life, the support group, the constant struggle, the cause of my Euphoria, Dypsphoria, and for some instances, even the reason for my Schadenfreude. Thank you. :)

A Self-Interview

Do I have all the time in the world? No.
You could do the same by getting the questions here at http://neurolove.me/post/49563970939/101-important-questions-to-ask-yourself yay!

101 Important Questions To Ask Yourself

  1. Who are you?
    –I am a normal person in this psychedelic world.
  2. What are you passionate about?
    –When I was a kid, I was passionate about how many dragonflies I would catch everyday. Later on, I became passionate about learning how to play the piano by myself. Now, I could say that I’m passionate about finishing something which I have started, and that is Grad School. I have always been a woman of the moment, so my passion changes overtime. Not sure if this is normal, though.
  3. What are the achievements you are most proud of?
    –This is actually a tough question.
  4. What are you most grateful for in life?
    –I’m am grateful for the gift of life itself. I am always thankful that I still manage to wake up from sleep apnea while I’m having lucid dreams or even nightmares.
  5. What are the most important things to you in life?
    –Time has been always important to me. After I got my 2nd job, I realized that I should be more strict when it comes to time management.
  6. How would you describe yourself?
    –I’m pretty sure I’m not ugly nor too beautiful when it comes to the physical appearance. One time, my counselor called me an incurable romantic and a sentimental idiot, which i firmly believed was true.
  7. What are your values? What do you represent? What do you want to embody?
    –My parents did a good job on incorporating the correct values which I am using in my social life now. They taught me how to have a high sense of empathy. I actually want to represent a good change – something for people who cannot move on from something.
  8. Do you love yourself?
    –Of course I do, but there are times whenever I want to bitch slap myself because of the bad decisions I have been making.
  9. … Why or Why not?
    –Nobody could love me more than I could love myself. …Okay that quote is overused already.
  10. How can you love yourself more today?
    –I could do that by eating more to look good. Seriously. Did I already say I’m kind of a vain person?
  11. What is your ideal self? What does it mean to be your highest self?
    –Honestly saying, I want to look good to feel good. I think that’s the fundamental thing of my ideal self. I also want to have a job where I could do the things I’m good at. That’s ideal.
  12. Look at your life now. Are you living the life of your dreams?
    –I have been getting up early at 5:30AM, start work at 6:00AM up to 9:00AM, take breakfast, nap, do everything I want in the middle of the day, start working again at 5:00PM, have dinner by 7:30PM-8:30PM, continue work until 11:00PM and retire for the day. Soon, I will be starting my graduate studies again, so my routine would be changed. Some people my age actually also want to have the kind of life I’m living, and I admit that I’m one of the lucky few who has been living like this. My lifestyle now is good, but I couldn’t say this is the life of my dreams. My dream/ideal life is actually far different from this.
  13. If you have one year left to live, what would you do?
    –I’d go to places I dream to go to.
  14. If you have one month left to live, what would you do?
    –I’d gather my loved ones, ask them to take a break from their jobs and spend the time with me.
  15. If you have one week left to live, what would you do?
    –I’d take a lovely vacay and eat buffet during my last 24/7.
  16. If you have one day left to live, what would you do?
    –I’m not sure. Damn questions are difficult.
  17. If you have an hour left to live, what would you do?
    –Damn it, I’ll play Left4Dead.
  18. If you have one minute left to live, what would you do?
    –I’d be dead before I’d be able to answer this.
  19. What would you do today if there is no more tomorrow?
    –I’d get a tattoo.
  20. What are the biggest things you’ve learned in life to date?
    –People come and go. When you’ll want somebody in your life forever, that’s the time they are going to leave.
  21. What advice would you give to yourself 3 years ago?
    –You shouldn’t have done that.
  22. If you are yourself 1 year from the future, how would you advise the you now?
    –Study hard. Grad school is far different from the undergrad.
  23. Is there something you’re still holding on to? Is it time to let it go?
    –I’m getting there. I think I would be better after a year, or if that person finally marries.
  24. What are you busy with today? Will this matter 1 year from now? 3 years? 5 years?
    –I’ve been busy on implementing my decisions. It’s tough but I know this will matter for the coming years.
  25. What are your important and most urgent tasks?
    –I need to be on time when I wake up. I need to be on time whenever I work.
  26. What opportunities are you looking for?
    –First, I wanted to work as a volunteer in different organizations. I believe everything will follow.
  27. How can you create these opportunities?
    –By getting myself involved, of course.
  28. What are your biggest goals and dreams?
    –Plan A is actually becoming a diplomat. Plan B is something else. I wanted to change the world into a better place.
  29. What’s stopping you from pursuing them? …Why? How can you overcome them?
    –Not exactly stopping, but wrong decisions have been delaying my plans.
  30. If you are to do something for free for the rest of your life, what would you want to do?
    –I want to travel to world.
  31. What would you do if you cannot fail; if there are no limitations in money, resources, time or networks?
    –Easy. I’ll get rich. Money definitely cannot buy happiness, but I’m pretty sure money could help a lot of people.
  32. What do you want to achieve 1 year from now?
    –Graduate studies. Graduate studies.
  33. … 3 years?
    –Graduate from graduate studies.
  34. … 5 years?
    –PhD? Still not sure, but I wanted to go back to DLSU.
  35. … 10 years?
    –Work on the career of my dreams.
  36. How important are these goals to you?
    –I want to write many things if I’ll write my autobiography someday.
  37. What if these goals are doubled? Tripled? Magnified by 10? How would you feel?
    Would you prefer to achieve these or your previous goals?
    –Yes.
  38. Who are the people who have achieved similar goals? … What can you learn from them?
    –My mentor in my undergrad. I usually call him “Sir Fred”, but he’s actually a retired ambassador. So far, I have been learning so much, not only on school stuff but also on my personal life.
  39. Are you putting any parts of your life on hold? … Why?
    –I’ve been making wrong decisions that’s why.
  40. What’s the top priority in your life right now?
    –To start grad school and to get out of it.
  41. What are you doing about it?
    –Everything I could.
  42. If you were to die tomorrow, what would be your biggest regret? What can you do now to make sure that doesn’t happen?
    –I’d have no regrets. I’ll visit them anyway HAHAHA.
  43. For every experience you get: What are the biggest things you have learned?
    –Sometimes, life would have to bitch slap you first before you’ll learn that you have been making wrong decisions.
  44. How can you do this better the next time?
    –By getting better.
  45. If you had 1 million dollars, what would you do with it?
    –I’d invest more on our mushroom business.
  46. Do you love your job?
    –Yes I do. Who will not love this job?
  47. What is your ideal career?
    –To see myself walking along the corridors of a Philippine Embassy.
  48. How can you start creating your ideal career starting today?
    –By studying harder.
  49. What is your ideal diet?
    –Carbohydrate diet. I need to gain weight.
  50. What do you need to do to achieve your ideal diet?
    –eat more duh?
  51. What is your ideal home like?
    –I want to have a home at the countryside, near the beach.
  52. What do you need to do to achieve your ideal home?
    –Work hard and pay my taxes religiously.
  53. What is your ideal physical look?
    –Well I honestly need more bust. HAHA
  54. What do you need to do to achieve your ideal physical look?
    –I honestly don’t know how. HAHAHA
  55. What is your ideal life?
    –To be able to wake up and go to bed, while doing what I( want to in between.
  56. What can you do to start living your ideal life?
    –By working hard I suppose.
  57. What would you want to say to yourself 1 year in the future?
    –Good luck, bitch.
  58. … 3 years?
    –Congratulations, bitch.
  59. … 5 years?
    –Work hard, bitch.
  60. … 10 years?
    –Bitch.
  61. What do you fear most in life?
    –I honestly fear to be alone. Of course I want to have a family someday.
  62. Is there anything you are running away from?
    –The other week, somebody asked me out for a dinner. I badly wanted to see that person but he’s currently in a happy relationship, so I steered clear and declined the invite. I am too afraid to face him again lol
  63. Are you settling for less than what you are worth? … Why?
    –I don’t think so. Just because.
  64. What is your inner dialogue like?
    –Random things. I like talking about random stuff with myself.
  65. What limiting beliefs are you holding on to?
    –I believe that ego is very important.
  66. Are they helping you achieve your goals?
    –Yes, but no?
  67. If not, is it time to let them go?
    –I can’t. Haha
  68. What empowering beliefs can you take on to help you achieve your goals?
    –I have more worth than what people see.
  69. What bad habits do you want to break?
    –Not remembering names.
  70. What good habits do you want to cultivate?
    –I respect other people’s feelings. I think everyone should learn how to do that.
  71. What are the biggest actions you can take now to create the biggest results in your life?
    –If I lay my plans carefully, that would be great.
  72. Where are you living right now – the past, future or present?
    –I live in the present. The past is indeed a wonderful place to visit, but it’s scary to live there. I am afraid of the unknown, so I’d rather let the future decide for itself.
  73. Are you living your life to the fullest right now?
    –Not yet.
  74. What is the meaning of life?
    –Life is something you create out of every single decision you make everyday.
  75. What is your purpose in life? Why do you exist? What is your mission?
    –I exist to create something big.
  76. How can you make your life more meaningful, starting today?
    –Get away from this computer and start making breakfast.
  77. What drives you?
    –I’m driven by my bills to work hard. I am driven by my dreams to live and study hard.
  78. What are the times you are most inspired, most motivated, most charged up?
    –When I finally come to a decision about something.
  79. What did you do during those times? How can you do more of that starting today?
    –I sat and think. A lot. I could do more by putting those decisions into actions.
  80. How can you change someone’s life for the better today?
    –I’m not sure, but I could help all the time.
  81. Who are the 5 people you spend the most time with?
    –Mom, Sister, and other significant people.
  82. Are these people enabling you or holding you back?
    –Sometimes, I need to get away from them, so I would be able to act. Usually, if I stick around them it just creates the sense of security. I like moving in an unsecured environment, y’know.
  83. What qualities do you want to embody? (Refer to Q7: Values and Q11: Ideal Self) Where can you meet people who embody these qualities?
    –My parents have these qualities. I’m not sure where I could meet the rest.
  84. Who inspire you the most?
    –My family and my mentor.
  85. How can you be like them?
    –By doing something.
  86. What is your ideal life partner like?
    –Someone who knows how to cook. Haha! Kidding aside, I want somebody who will let me become me.
  87. Where can you find him/her?
    –I don’t know. I’m not searching for the moment.
  88. How can you get to know him/her?
    –By being friends first, perhaps?
  89. Are you afraid of letting others get close to you?
    –At some point, yes.
  90. … Why?
    –I don’t really want to give false hopes if that person wants something more than friendship.
  91. Who is/are the most important person(s) to you in the world?
    –My family.
  92. Are you giving them the attention you want to give?
    –Of course.
  93. How can you spend more time with them starting today?
    –By going home more frequently.
  94. What kind of person do you enjoy spending time with?
    –Funny, witty person who also has the gift of gab and likes to eat so much. When I say so much, that means that whenever I say I’m hungry, he/she knows what to do and say.
  95. How can you be this person to others?
    –By being myself.
  96. Who do you want to be like in 1 year?
    –This question is familiar.
  97. … 3 years?
    –A person with a master’s degree.
  98. … 5 years?
    –A person with PhD.
  99. … 10 years?
    –A diplomat or a public worker.
  100. Who are your mentors in life? (formal or informal)
    –That would be my mom and Sir Fred.
  101. What is one thing you’re going to do differently after completing this exercise
    –I’ll have breakfast and get my ass off this chair for the whole day.

Daily Prompt: The Transporter

Tell us about a sensation — a taste, a smell, a piece of music — that transports you back to childhood.

It was one of those sunny January afternoons. I used to go alone along the grassy pavements beside our humble home, most of the time catching dragonflies, daydreaming and calling out my Dad whenever an airplane passes by. All the while I thought he was always flying at the skies, towards the horizon. I didn’t know that he was a seafarer then. Now I realized that it sucks to grow up and get out of innocence. It’s painful, but it’s what makes me feel alive, I suppose.

Untitled

It was a night of smoke and booze, surrounded with drunk and noisy college students, all cramped up in that small bar in front of one of the most prestigious schools in the country. It was actually a small reunion organized by my close high school friends to welcome the new semester. Secretly, I was also celebrating my freedom from the breakup I just had with my first boyfriend exactly on that day. After three months of immaturely dealing with my first heartbreak, and realizing that he didn’t  want me back anymore, I declared myself a free person. Some people of the group tagged other distant high school friends whom we haven’t seen for years, said hellos and catch up, all surprised with the big changes that happened as the years passed by. Some also tagged unfamiliar people, and one of them was you.

We thought you were dating my best friend and we were happy for her. I just went on to my business chatting with my friends while having booze and casually smoking my way out of the bitter taste of alcohol. You also went on to your business of chatting and making friends with the other members in our group. In short, I was completely ignoring you. I wasn’t interested. You didn’t matter to me and vice versa. You were nothing to me and so I was to you.

And then I woke up. It was a dream.

I was wrong.

English, You Say?

According to dictionary.com, to annihilate something means to destroy it completely; to vanquish its existence.

It’s a very warm and humid afternoon. After I woke up from my habitual siesta, I went straight to the kitchen to have my lunch. I always have this feeling that the people at home treat me like my cat Iori: leaving food on the table or on the stove, in places where I could easily reach. This afternoon, I got myself a bowl of nilagang baboy. Eating your meal alone could be very as boring as hell, as I’m used to talk about random things whenever I’m eating with people. Much to my tediousness, I decided to browse my Facebook news feed on my mobile phone. One of my friends posted a link which says, “Edwin Olivarez graduation speech annihilated the english language” <http://www.reynaelena.com/2013/03/20/edwin-olivarez-graduation-message-annihilated-the-english-language/&gt;. Being a person who speaks and uses the English language for more than 8 hours a day as an ESL tutor, my curiosity was caught. So I clicked the link.

The introduction of the critique was straightforward and frank: “This is probably the most atrocious graduation message I have ever read.”. The moment I read this line, I knew what was coming: grammar lapses, prolly the usual misuse of the subject-verb agreement, possibly wrong choices of words, and so on. Her line triggered my curiosity more, so I scrolled down to read the Congressman’s speech. My anticipation was right: there are some lapses when it comes to grammar, and worse, he got so much into using the most difficult words  (what the hell is penultimate??), prolly had fun on using MS Word’s Synonym feature which I am also guilty of using whenever I write my reaction papers back in high school and college days.

But hey!

I also got offended for this person (take note: for). I know that Filipinos are known for their expertise on the English language, but branding somebody to annihilate it is just so damn wrong. I know one language which is almost annihilated, and that is Latin. I’m not even sure if it is really being annihilated, because naturally aside from the priests, almost nobody is speaking it nowadays.

As I mentioned above, I work at an ESL company. My students mainly comprise of Japanese, few Koreans and Chinese. I was also guilty of criticizing people who usually commit grammar lapses on their Facebook statuses and tweets on Twitter. I know I am a grammar Nazi. However, as I go along with my job, my perspective changed. I learned that I should not do that, because nobody could really use the language perfectly. The Japanese are known to be perfectionists and one of my students told me that. My aim has always been to train my students to become proficient, and I always tell them that it’s okay to commit lapses and let somebody correct their grammar because in that way, he/she learns something. The age of my students ranges from 7 years old to 83 years old. No matter the age, I treat them equally, teach them based on their skill level. My rule is simple: young or old, if the student cannot speak simple sentences or if I still needed to speak my grammatically-terrible Japanese, then the student needs to start from the basics. I never say, “Haha mali grammar mo tanga.” nor “You’re not only wrong, you’re stupid.” but I correct them because they need it.

The grammar Nazis have always reminded us the difference between “your” and “you’re”. It’s a common knowledge already, and knowing that fact doesn’t really make you look like a genius anymore. You may know a whole dictionary, but if you don’t know the appropriate usage of words, it’s still nothing.

My point here is that people should not criticize a person who does his/her best in using a certain language. If you are going to look around my blog, I definitely assure you would find many mistakes which I haven’t fixed yet (I like impromptu writing and I’m lazy, thank you very much). I am also guilty that I’m pretty horrible when it comes to the Filipino grammar that once, I got 2.5 on Filipino when I was in college.

I don’t mean to criticize the critique or Mr. O, and I don’t defend the latter (I don’t get amused on the sight of politicians) but I think that it’s time to think about the things that we are going to say before we blurt them out. Before you criticize somebody on his/her usage of English, ask yourself first if you are pretty good on the pure Tagalog language,  be sure you know by heart the difference between “ng” and “nang”, what’s “supel”, “kampit”, “bagtas” and “gayak”. Ask the US Ambassador to write diplomatic notes in Tagalog and your perspective might change. If you think you are also super good on the Filipino language, just shut up if you don’t have anything good to say. Learn to say things in a nicer way like, “Oh my, Mr. O, I noticed some grammar lapses on your speech! Let’s correct them! Hmmm.. There’s a lapse here… Here… And here… Oh, they are everywhere! Why don’t we try to re-write it? What?? You have already delivered this to the public?? Oh well, next time, please review grammar and word choice, okay?” Or something like that. If people dozed off during his speech, it’s not your fault, the graduates’ fault, nor even manong magffishball’s fault. It’s his fault because he lacked preparation and did not double-check what he or his writer wrote.

Knowing all the rules of grammar doesn’t make you the king of the world. Just because somebody committed a mistake on English doesn’t mean you have to bury him alive. Let’s practice humility, guys.

**Edited. New ideas were sudden reveries while I was doing number 2 a while ago. Grammar Nazis still may experience OCD symptoms by reading this blog post (Suck it up, I didn’t fix it). Oops this should be on the beginning, but you read it anyway. Hope you enjoyed! =)

The Happy Birthday Blog Post

It’s roughly 34 minutes before my birthday and I’m quite surprised that I’m not really excited. I decided to start not to celebrate my birthday a year ago because maybe I’m afraid of admitting to myself that I’m getting older and I’m still here hanging around at my parent’s house. I may be working, but the feeling of living your life constantly in a very stagnant way is pretty tiring to the very least. I just realized that doing whatever you want couldn’t make you grow. I have to admit that I have take on an adventure with the open world out there. I’m still taking considerations though. At this very moment, I’m thinking of restarting my graduate studies. In the past few days I have died, because the sudden turn of events prevented me from taking the plan I was supposed to do. Now I have to start back to zero. This is the price I should pay from being a stubborn and fickle person.

In 27 minutes, it’s my birthday already and I remember the meeting I had with a close former  mentor yesterday. He knew almost everything about me. There is always the feeling of wanting to see him and there are just some days that I just wanted to listen to his stories. At the age of 83, he’s still very strong and I really admire him for being like that. He’s so cool actually. He is the mixture of everything. He is my kind of friend-mentor-counselor-father-grandfather material. I wonder if I reach the same age, would I be also going to be like him or, If I would also reach that age.

It’s 21 minutes before my birthday. My eyes were opened because of the encounter with my prof yesterday. I realized that I need a shrink because of my recurring lucid dreams. Not exactly recurring, but the thought of having a lucid dream every other day is quite alarming.

It’s 19 minutes before my birthday. Yesterday, I learned about “Catharsis”, which simply means an emotional cleansing to release myself from all the negative effects of a serious heartbreak. I guess I really need that. I don’t really know what to do. My mentor has always been telling me to start writing again. I really do want to return to writing. I guess it’s my kind of catharsis, but writing half-heartedly also breaks my heart. I thought I was just lazy but I realized that I’m not.

It’s 13 minutes before my birthday. I spent a minute counting. Counting the time in minutes and seconds is a pain in the ass…. no, dealing with numbers generally, is the pain in the ass.

11 minutes before my birthday, I’m wasting my time talking about some nonsense things that I knew will turn into something in the long run. 

10 minutes… So yeah, let’s talk about love. I have forgotten the feeling of it, actually. All I wanted now is some kind of release. I wanted to release myself from the person who took my heart, but I’m too proud to even forgive. I’m not even sure why I do that. After 9 minutes, my only wish is for me to grow up, not to grow older.

8 minutes before my birthday, I’m hungry, but the feeling of sleepiness is also creeping. It has always been a dilemma which comes first. 

7 minutes, Bernie is on Skype. He has greeted me an hour ago. I really appreciate that.

6 minutes, my mind is blank.

4 minutes…

3

2… Oh, my birthday was also declared as the International Day of Happiness. Each person has his/her own pursuit of happiness. Let’s celebrate them!

1 minute before my birthday, I should get excited, heyyyyy

It’s exactly 00:00, March 20, 2013. Happy birthday to meee!

 

Daily Prompt: Silver Screen

“I dream sometimes about flying. It starts out like I’m running really really fast and I’m like super human. And the terrain starts to get really rocky and steep. And then I’m running so fast that my feet aren’t even touching the ground and I’m floating. And it’s like this amazing, amazing realness. I’m free. I’m safe. Then I realize, I am completely alone. And then I wake up.”

Summer Finn, (500) Days of Summer.

 

Self-note 3

Forgiving is very difficult. At some point you’ll realize that you need to move on and let go, but as an opportunity peeks through your window, there also goes your pride, reeking, suppressing the chance to let everyone say sorry, making you admit to yourself again that all you wanted was to make that person get down on his knees, beg for forgiveness and give you back the heart that you wanted to revive again. But the truth is you just don’t know where to start.

Age tag!

Age I was given: 12
Where I lived: Bustos, Bulacan
What I drove: Gran Turismo Cars :))
Who had my heart: Playstation games
What I did: I was a frail, thin and white Grade 6 student during this time. I was one of a 4-girl group of friends at school, and I was contented being around them. My friends and I always ate squid balls for lunch. I also hated the idea of love and relationships because I thought it’s too early for us to do that. I lived a very simple life of a hermit then (I didn’t like going out), and on weekends, I always had a scolding from my mom because I stay in front of the television screen all day playing video games. I often got into arguments with my siblings on who will do the dishes and sometimes, we even ended up being punished with my mom’s belt on our bums–all together. I’ve also put “I want to be a supermodel.” in our elementary yearbook which I regretted so much, since I didn’t really like to be one. I wanted to be an astronaut but it wasn’t realistic to put it there. Guess I watched too much shows on Cartoon Network.
What did I fear: being lost in a supermarket.

Age now: 22
Where I live now: Bustos, Bulacan, sometimes Tayuman.
What I drive: heads crazy. chos. :P
Who has my heart: I’ve lost it.
What I do: Today, I focus more on myself. I work on our mushroom project little by little, and I’m a bit busy conducting English tutorials to Japanese students during weekdays. I still manage to go out with my friends and family on weekends. I eat a lot, but I’m still frail, thin and white. Before, I was spontaneous when it comes to shotgun trips with my friends, but now, I need to confirm my schedule. :( guess I’m growing older. I became cynical with the idea of love and relationships, but I think I just need to grow up more. Now, my mom bugs me about cleaning my workstation and to buy cat food whenever my cat runs out of it. Whenever I have the chance, I stay away from the computer to give my face a little time to breathe. I don’t want to be an astronaut anymore because Ph has no spaceships and I heard they do too much math on the process of becoming one.
What do I fear: getting on walkalators.

(Like this post and I’ll give you an age to work with… yadda yadda yadda… Go!!!)

Since my post is a pretty long one, I decided to put it in my blog. =))